I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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