why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize