Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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