Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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