my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
