i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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