Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
