you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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