i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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