I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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