idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
