Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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