i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
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