i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
