I looked at my own cervix.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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