went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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