im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
