I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize