she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
