Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
