i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
