u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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