he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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