My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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