also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
