question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
