You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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