How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
