just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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