I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
