He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
