pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
