When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize