The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
