I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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