It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
