I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
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fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
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his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
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