I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
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Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
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IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.