dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
