i need an iv and a liver transplant
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.