We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
