i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
