Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
