so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
