Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
