omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Just cropdusted the office
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
