I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Pooping to opera.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
