i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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