is your mom at the bar?
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Please don't give away my fajitas
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
