I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
