My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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