You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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