I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
