I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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