I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
