i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
