my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Randomize
