I hope my margaritas pass through security.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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