I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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