Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
