Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
