I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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