The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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